First Days Back

Thursday marked the fourth time I had driven to the church/school since leaving my first fifth grade classroom for the final time, believing my teaching career was over, that I was no longer employable.  The first two times were for funerals, one for a teacher at the school, and one for a former fifth grade student of mine.  The third time was on Monday for the long term sub interview, and Thursday was for my first day in that long term sub position. Each of those four times, I had a physical reaction to driving up to the campus. Stomach churning, shaking hands, a vague tingling sensation everywhere, and a sense of complete dread.  On Monday before the interview I had to force myself to eat lunch. On Thursday before the school day, I had to force myself to eat breakfast. I was kind of irritated at my level of anxiety on Thursday, given the level of support I felt in the building on Monday and the positive responses to my last blog post. But even though I knew the anxiety was unfounded, it was there.

Two teachers who had been homeroom teachers while I was teaching fifth grade were also in the building subbing.  We all bumped into each other in the hallway before school started, along with the custodian who has been there since before I started teaching there. It was mini-reunion. It was a feel good moment, but when I went back downstairs, the smell of the building hit me - the same smell it has always had - and the good feelings dissolved. It really wasn't until the school day started and I was able to focus on the students that the anxiety subsided.

At lunchtime, I felt like my conversation dominated over the other ones at the table in the faculty room.  On Friday, I sat in the back of the room making lesson plans and grading papers while students took vocabulary quizzes and finished watching a movie they had started last week, on student appreciation day. I had a brief thought that I should be moving around the classroom in case the principal came to check in on the long term sub who had just started, but brushed it aside and kept working. That's when it hit me: I am a lot more confident than I used to be.

My examples may not seem like much, and given the crazy huge amounts of anxiety I had going into the sub gig, I see how that might not seem like a true statement. But I feel different from when I left. I am going to do what is right for the students, yes, but I am also doing what's best for me. 

One final anecdote from Friday. I wrote about Chad joking around and saying I was going to have a third long term sub position at the only other school I've worked at by the end of the school year. While I was at Mass with the sixth graders on Friday, I missed a phone call from the third school. I listened to the message during my prep period, and started laughing out loud. Their second grade teacher (who was a third grade student of mine when I taught there), is going on maternity leave and the principal wanted to know if I was interested in taking over her room for the duration of her leave. I was sad to have to call her back and say no, but I am really glad I am where I am right now and have this opportunity to heal.