Valentine's Day Eve

At a Catholic School it's bad form to have a party on Ash Wednesday. Therefore, Valentine's Day parties were held today. Before I started this long term sub job, it had already been decided that this class would spend the last two hours of the day watching The Princess Bride and making ice cream sundaes from a table set up by the room moms in the hallway. It was the calmest, best classroom party I've ever had to supervise. I'm a fan of movie parties, and will recommend them from now on to whatever class I'm teaching.

Never get involved in a land war in Asia.

Today was my fourth day in this classroom, but I still got a haul of candy from the kids. Some even came with notes like, "Thanks for being an awesome teacher." Both room moms made a point of introducing themselves to me, and telling me they are excited to have me as the long term sub.

Even more came may way after this photo was taken.

I finally made it out to carpool after school today, even though I knew I was supposed to be out there after school on my first day. Truthfully, I wasn't feeling very well every other afternoon so far, and used that as an excuse to pack up and duck out as early as possible. I rationalized that they haven't had a teacher in that carpool position for three weeks already, so they could do without for a bit longer. It wasn't the best attitude, but it was where I was physically and emotionally. But after going out this afternoon, I can't believe I waited so long to get out there. I saw many parents of former students who took pains to talk to me for a few minutes before they had to drive away. They were happy to see me and talked about their older kids, how they are doing, and/or how they wanted to come visit me now that I am back in the building. I was feeling the love today.

I am having fun teaching again. It might be as many as five years since I could say that with complete honesty. Right now, today, I don't feel bogged down by any part of the job. I am basking in the joys of teaching, in all the reasons I have felt called to this profession since I was a kindergartener.  I know I'm just a sub. I know there are long nights and stressful weekends of grading ahead as essays and papers are turned in.  I'm not sure how I'm going to write valuable comments on report cards in a few short weeks.  But right now, today, I love every part of this job.

First Days Back

Thursday marked the fourth time I had driven to the church/school since leaving my first fifth grade classroom for the final time, believing my teaching career was over, that I was no longer employable.  The first two times were for funerals, one for a teacher at the school, and one for a former fifth grade student of mine.  The third time was on Monday for the long term sub interview, and Thursday was for my first day in that long term sub position. Each of those four times, I had a physical reaction to driving up to the campus. Stomach churning, shaking hands, a vague tingling sensation everywhere, and a sense of complete dread.  On Monday before the interview I had to force myself to eat lunch. On Thursday before the school day, I had to force myself to eat breakfast. I was kind of irritated at my level of anxiety on Thursday, given the level of support I felt in the building on Monday and the positive responses to my last blog post. But even though I knew the anxiety was unfounded, it was there.

Two teachers who had been homeroom teachers while I was teaching fifth grade were also in the building subbing.  We all bumped into each other in the hallway before school started, along with the custodian who has been there since before I started teaching there. It was mini-reunion. It was a feel good moment, but when I went back downstairs, the smell of the building hit me - the same smell it has always had - and the good feelings dissolved. It really wasn't until the school day started and I was able to focus on the students that the anxiety subsided.

At lunchtime, I felt like my conversation dominated over the other ones at the table in the faculty room.  On Friday, I sat in the back of the room making lesson plans and grading papers while students took vocabulary quizzes and finished watching a movie they had started last week, on student appreciation day. I had a brief thought that I should be moving around the classroom in case the principal came to check in on the long term sub who had just started, but brushed it aside and kept working. That's when it hit me: I am a lot more confident than I used to be.

My examples may not seem like much, and given the crazy huge amounts of anxiety I had going into the sub gig, I see how that might not seem like a true statement. But I feel different from when I left. I am going to do what is right for the students, yes, but I am also doing what's best for me. 

One final anecdote from Friday. I wrote about Chad joking around and saying I was going to have a third long term sub position at the only other school I've worked at by the end of the school year. While I was at Mass with the sixth graders on Friday, I missed a phone call from the third school. I listened to the message during my prep period, and started laughing out loud. Their second grade teacher (who was a third grade student of mine when I taught there), is going on maternity leave and the principal wanted to know if I was interested in taking over her room for the duration of her leave. I was sad to have to call her back and say no, but I am really glad I am where I am right now and have this opportunity to heal.

Hello, Old Friends

Tomorrow I start another long term sub position in a building where I used to work. My husband is joking with me that by the end of the school year I will get a third long term sub position in the only other school where I have taught, completing the circuit, backwards. But since there is a possibility that this job could last until the end of the school year, I'm not holding my breath.

I'm excited but also nervous. This time it's a middle school English/Language Arts position. I know I can handle the subject matter and the students.  But I left this building three and a half years ago on a very, very sour note. The last set of fifth graders I taught graduated last year, mitigating the impact of the negative circumstances that surrounded my departure. But many families who know me from the eight years I taught there still have children in the school.  I think that's mainly a plus. I know I was well liked, even as I was leaving, by most families.  And based on the reaction I got from people in the building when I went in for the interview, there are still many people there who will be excited to see me. 

Most of the staff I taught with is gone. In fact, there is only one homeroom teacher left from the entire pre-K - 8 staff. They are even on their second new principal since I left.  The classrooms have almost entirely shuffled around, and the preschool is in the room I used to know as the faculty lounge.  So there will be a lot to get used to in a space that I used to know so well. 

I said in my previous post that I needed a job with less work or closer to home, or preferably both.  This school is closer to home, but sixth, seventh, and eighth grade ELA in a single class per grade level school might just be the most time consuming position to plan and grade.  Every class period is something new to plan; there are no duplicated classes with a different set of students.  There are also three classes of students to get to know and scaffold work to meet individual skill sets and ability levels.  Middle school writers are writing longer pieces, and the work of teaching 12-14 year olds to revise and edit their writing into well polished essays and stories takes close reading, meticulous attention to detail, and careful articulation of suggestions.

In the midst of all of this, I am still needed at home in a way I was not for the past several years.  I feel like I need to start making a list of ways to take little bits of time for myself in order to stay grounded.  Actually, I do already have such a list. I guess the goal is to use the ideas on it.

Another Goodbye

I rolled off subbing in my old classroom on Friday.  The new teacher finished a transformation of the classroom - complete room rearrangement and brand-new, colorful bulletin boards. She's establishing new classroom routines and getting to know the school routines. She's been meeting with parents upon their request, to get to know specific concerns parents have about their child, and to ease their anxiety over the third new teacher for their child since September.  Today it's just her in there without me. 

As I said in a previous post, I have mixed feelings about rolling off. Today it feels good to have time to do some laundry and write.  I was already missing the students last night.  And it also feels weird to have no where to be today. I enjoy working, but there's too much going on in my life.  I need less work, or something closer to home, or preferably both.  There are a few possibilities on the horizon, but nothing definite yet.

I did go out in style. My last day was the first "ski Friday" so half of the fifth graders were out of the building. I let the new teacher and the other fifth grade teacher have a day of planning.  The principal and I took all of the fifth graders who did not sign up to go skiing for a STEM Friday with a space theme.  I wore my flight suit and showed the kids where they can access NASA's video gallery. We made straw rockets out of different materials, which took much longer than anticipated. Toward the end of the day I played the "round peg in a square hole" clip from Apollo 13, and talked about creating a design knowing the end result required and the materials on hand, but having to come up with the process.  Students then attempted rubber band propeller planes with a photograph of the end result displayed and all the materials laid out for them.  They ran out of time to complete even one propeller plane, but they had fun. I'm thinking there may have been lots of straw rockets flying in fifth grade homes this weekend, and perhaps even one or two rubber band propeller planes.

The incoming teacher had the kids make me thank you posters and write me thank you letters. Their letters credit me with changing the culture of the class, making science fun, and bringing art back into their instruction.  I think many of them were genuinely sad to see me leave. I know I was sad to leave.