A Most Splendid Event

A few weeks ago, I had my students research the Louisiana Purchase using resources curated by PBS. They were then asked to write a persuasive essay explaining why the purchase was or was not a "most splendid event" as it was reported by some newspapers at the time. Research skills and persuasive writing are both important skills, and the kids dove into their research and essays with very little complaint given that the end of the school year feels well within reach.

In an era when teachers have to be wary of students opting to have AI generate an essay for them, my students stepped up and used their very own writing skills to complete my assignment. This was indeed, a most splendid event.

Here are two absolute gems of papers that were submitted by this year's eighth graders (presented with the authors' permission):

The Louisiana Purchase: A Comedy of Geopolitical Gains

In the annals of history, few events stand out quite like the most splendid Louisiana Purchase—a colossal real estate deal that would make even the savviest modern-day realtor blush. Picture this: It's 1803, and Napoleon Bonaparte, the French Emperor with a penchant for military conquests, decides he has some prime American real estate lying around. So, he offers it up to Thomas Jefferson, the American President at the time, like a yard sale bargain too good to refuse.

Jefferson, perhaps imagining himself as the next great land baron, jumps at the opportunity, sealing the deal for a mere $15 million. That’s less than the cost of some Hollywood celebrity mansions today! And just like that, the United States doubled in size, all thanks to a stroke of Napoleon’s pen and a hefty dose of manifest destiny.

Of course, not everyone was thrilled about this sudden expansion. Imagine being Spain, minding your own business in the New World, only to wake up and find out your neighbor just went on a shopping spree and bought half the continent. It's like waking up to find out your roommate sold your backyard to the neighbors for a pool.

But hey, who cares about hurt feelings when you've got acres upon acres of untamed wilderness ripe for exploration? Lewis and Clark must have felt like kids in a candy store, except instead of candy, they had uncharted territories and potential encounters with grizzly bears.

And let’s not forget about the diplomatic dance that ensued. France, realizing they were in a bit of a financial pickle (thanks, Napoleon), decided to cash out and focus on European affairs. Meanwhile, the United States, with its newfound land, could finally flex its muscles on the global stage, proving once and for all that they were a force to be reckoned with.

In the end, the Louisiana Purchase was more than just a real estate transaction—it was a comedy of errors, a tale of ambition, and a prime example of how history can sometimes be stranger than fiction. So, the next time you look at a map of the United States and marvel at its vastness, just remember: it all started with a French Emperor and an American dream.

The Louisiana Purchase:

A Whimsical Tale of Land, Liberty, and Laissez-Faire

The Grand Bargain

Once upon a time, in the mystical land of America, there existed a vast, untamed wilderness known as the Louisiana Territory. Thomas Jefferson, that wily wordsmith and third president of the United States, had a brilliant idea: “Why not buy this whole shebang from the French?” And so, with a twinkle in his eye and a quill in his hand, he penned a letter to Napoleon Bonaparte, the French emperor, saying, “Hey, buddy, how about selling us your backyard? We promise not to throw wild parties or leave empty wine bottles lying around.”

The Bargain Bin Bonanza

Napoleon, being a shrewd negotiator and lover of croissants, agreed to the deal. For a mere $15 million (which, in today’s currency, is roughly equivalent to a lifetime supply of artisanal cheese), the United States acquired a landmass so vast that even Lewis and Clark got lost. Imagine the scene: Jefferson doing a little victory dance in his powdered wig, shouting, “We’ve got swamps, we’ve got bayous, we’ve got alligators—what more could a country ask for?”

The Wild West (of the East)

But wait, there’s more! The Louisiana Purchase wasn’t just about snagging prime real estate; it was about expanding the American dream. Settlers flocked to the newly acquired lands like seagulls to a French fry stand. They built log cabins, planted corn, and traded beaver pelts like it was going out of style. Manifest Destiny was in full swing, and folks were itching to explore the uncharted wilderness. “Yeehaw!” they cried, riding their trusty oxen into the sunset.

Consequences Galore

Of course, every fairy tale has its twists. The Louisiana Purchase had consequences aplenty. First, the Native American tribes who called this land home weren’t exactly thrilled about the whole “property transfer” thing. They raised their bows and arrows, shouting, “This is our turf, pal!” But alas, their protests fell on deaf ears, drowned out by the sound of surveyors measuring plots for new Starbucks locations.

And then there was the matter of slavery. The Louisiana Territory was a hodgepodge of cultures, languages, and gumbo recipes. Some folks wanted to keep their slaves, while others said, “Let’s set 'em free and have a jambalaya party!” The debate raged on, like a crawfish boil with too much Tabasco.

A Land of Contradictions

In the end, the Louisiana Purchase was like a beignet—sweet, messy, and impossible to resist. It shaped America’s destiny, fueled westward expansion, and left a trail of powdered sugar in its wake. So next time you’re sipping a café au lait in the French Quarter, raise your cup to Jefferson, Napoleon, and the wild, wonderful tale of the Louisiana Purchase. And remember, dear reader, life is like a bayou: murky, mysterious, and full of surprises.

Coming across these essays in the mix of other very well written, but more traditional essays made my day. I literally laughed out loud as I read them, which was completely unexpected for an assignment that asked students to pick and defend an interpretation of an historical event. I really do love my job.